Anxiety can be crippling. It hits like a hurricane and stops you in your tracks. When it continues unattended, it impacts not only your daily life but also your relationships. Two years ago, my habitual and unchecked anxiety reached an apex after several major life events. I unexpectedly found myself hospitalized and on leave from work, unable to care for my 3 children. In hindsight, I realize that what felt like a quick descent was really the result of ongoing self-neglect. Although my road to recovery was long and (at times) painful, it taught me invaluable lessons about the importance of balance and prioritization. Throughout my experience, I also found a hidden strength and self-awareness that helps me tackle my ongoing anxiety today.
I was okay…until I wasn't.
It was late spring 2018 and I was sitting at my oldest son's soccer game. As I was cheering on his team, I suddenly felt a familiar wave come over my body. My body was warm all over, my palms were sweaty, and my vision was blurred. I knew what was coming because I had experienced this before, the first time right after my grandmother died 3 months earlier. I mustered enough composure to excuse myself and crawl up the hill, eventually settling into the shade. I knew I was in the clenches of a panic attack - I just didn't know why. I stayed there for the rest of the game, sobbing with my head in my hands and paralyzed by increasing feelings of helplessness.
It wasn't the first (or last) time my life was hijacked by these familiar yet unexplained episodes, and it always ended the same way – me on the ground, struggling to breathe and crying uncontrollably. After some time, I would slowly calm down and resume my day. Rinse and repeat for 8 months. Then, in September 2018, I totaled my car. I was in a hurry, rushing to get the kids to school and make it home in time for a work meeting. Of course there are always multiple factors surrounding car accidents but the bottom line was this: I was so preoccupied with the next to-do that my distraction caught up with me. Neither myself nor my boys were injured in the wreck, but the realization of what could have happened left a scar on my already fragile state. It wasn't long before I eventually had a panic attack that I couldn't recover from and found myself depressed, immobilized and searching for answers.
Anxiety is more than an emotion.
Stress often blurs the line between true medical conditions and temporary symptoms. In my quest for help, I bounced from one medical professional to another. Although I was initially diagnosed with anxiety only, I had a close network of care providers, family and friends who encouraged me to keep seeking an explanation. Instead of halting my search, I kept pushing forward because I understood the mental health risk I faced if I didn't find answers. After multiple blood tests and scans I ultimately ended up hospitalized, where I was finally diagnosed with vasovagal syncope.
Vasovagal syncope results from a severe drop in blood pressure and manifests with very real physical symptoms, including all of those I regularly experienced. What causes such a drastic drop in blood pressure? Well, as the cardiologist explained, there are several causes. He told me that one common cause is extreme emotional stress. Sitting in my hospital bed, I realized how it was all connected. My emotional, physical and mental health were wholly linked to one another. Ongoing anxiety triggered vasovagal episodes, which then prompted the panic attacks. I was beyond grateful for answers, but I had fallen into such a dark place that my road to recovery had just begun.
Small achievements are major victories.
When I got home from the hospital, I was lonely even though I was surrounded by people. I woke up every day unable to get out of bed and fully unprepared for the day ahead. It felt like I was trying to scale arduous mountain terrain with no equipment or supplies. I worried about everything because even the most mundane tasks felt monumental. Simply taking a shower left me exasperated and breathless, but I knew I had to start somewhere. So, after several days, I climbed out of bed, forced myself to turn on the hot water, and went through the motions. The next day, I showered and then made myself breakfast. The day after that, I showered, made myself breakfast, and walked my kids to the bus stop for school.
Then something remarkable happened. Every day that I purposely ventured out of my comfort zone to prove I was still capable, my confidence grew in equal proportion. The first time I drove my kids to school left me feeling accomplished and empowered. I know those seem like simple tasks, but for someone with anxiety and depression, daily items on a checklist become panic inducing burdens. Yet I found that as I (and others around me) celebrated these small 'wins', I developed a newfound sense of hope. That hope was contagious and gave me the courage to keep moving forward (albeit slowly) for the next several months.
You can have it all, just not at the same time.
By any measure, I am extremely blessed - I have three children (10, 7, 5), an amazing husband, and a job that I absolutely love. I am grateful to be an active participant across all areas of my life because I know deep down what it felt like to stare at hopelessness. Before my depressive episode, I thought I had achieved the unachievable and found perfect balance as a working mom. Between kids' activities and project deadlines, I believed I was excelling in all aspects of my life. Unfortunately, I was really chasing after the impossible and sacrificing my health along the way. I ignored all the warning signs that would eventually break me, all because I didn't understand my limitations or how to balance my own desires and goals.
The truth is that you can have it all, just not at once. My experience taught me that my priorities can coexist, but they will require different levels of attention in any given day, month or season of life. Understanding this trade-off helped shift my focus. I became more effective because I was no longer worried about juggling everything at once. More importantly, I began prioritizing my health and developed a self-advocacy approach to my life. I identified the activities that sustain me, and I ensure those are never compromised. Living my life in balance has allowed me to embrace a newfound sense of contentment, helping me to thrive.
You have come a very long way from 2 years ago, I was so very worried about losing the Casey we all knew and loved, but it is true, with all the prayers and determination on your part to get past this, you have. And I say you are back to your old self and I would say even a better self. We love you in our family and will always be there for you and your beautiful family.